Jack The Dragon Weigher

Jack arrived at the Valley of the Dragon
With a large pair of scales on the back of his wagon
For, Jack was renowned for a special skill
He leapt from the wagon, and set off up the hill

As he clambered nearer the Dragon`s lair
He cheerfully called "Is anyone there?"
The sleepy old Dragon turned and tossed
Opened one eye, and snorted "Get Lost!"

"Oh please Mister Dragon" smiled good natured Jack
"If you`re too busy, I`ll gladly come back.
But I have not come here to maim nor slay you.
"Actually my dear, I came here to weigh you!"

"Come to weigh me, what do you mean?"
Enquired the Dragon, "You must think I`m green.
I`m actually several hundred years old
Now get on your way, while your ears are still cold".

" So sorry", said Jack, "I`ve come from the Queen.
If you read the papers, then you would have seen.
A new tax on Dragons has just been decreed".
The Dragon embarrassed, hissed "Dragons can`t read"

Then Jack explained, "You need to be weighed,
In order to find out the tax to be paid
The bigger the Dragon , the bigger the bunce"
It seems the Dragon was a bit of a dunce.

"Righto" cried Jack, and smiled at the Dragon
"I`ll just go and fetch the scales from the wagon"
Upon his return he gave a loud shout
"Hello Mister Dragon, I`m ready ..............come out!"

But , when the Dragon showed his head
Jack drew his sword, and struck him down dead.
For the Dragon was guilty of many foul crimes
And Jack`s `Weigh the Dragon` trick worked many times!

Pet Hate

I saw an ad today

The RSPCA

Say they require three pounds

To keep a cat they found.

The NSPCC

Ask for two, not three

And this perplexes me!

Lions who Lunch

Never invite a Lion out to lunch!

His choice of appetiser may unpleasantly surprise yer!

What?

Mispronunciation
Made Mister Maddocks mad,
Mildly miffed, malcontented, miserable
And sad!

Post Haste

Our Pedigree Pooch
Is partial to Postman`s pants
Behind the coal bunker, he hides
Awaiting his chance, at the GPO strides

The Postman at the gate
Is quite prepared to wait
Until at last he`s satisfied
The dog is safely locked inside

On tip toe to the door
Only to find
The crafty canine
Has circled behind
And blocks his only exit.
(Postie screams and legs it!)

He completely clears our five bar gate
As the dog barks " See you tomorrow mate!".

My Shirts

My shirts all hang on the back of the door
Though I`m sure thats not what the door is for

Five are for working
Two kept for best

Seven on hangers

Oh no!

I`m undressed!

DLORAH

Harold was born back to front
And so, it was not clear
If he was on his way somewhere
Or en route back to here.

Was he getting off the bus?
Or was he getting on?
Should we say Hello, goodbye,
Or welcome later on?

He`s ever such a happy chap
Who does not seem to mind
Even though he`s front to back
And back to front behind!

English Lesson

Past , Present and Future Tense
All designed for making sense
Of things long passed
Or what will be
And only intermittently
Referring to the Here and Now

Which did not last long anyhow!


copyright Ian Cramer 2006

Going to Pieces

Left hand fell off this morning

Followed by one ear

Its rather disconcerting

I live in constant fear

I went to see the Doctor

He told me not to fuss

Arriving home I realised

My butt`s still on the bus

Left leg in the bathtub

Right leg in the hall

At this rate, by tomorrow

There`ll be nothing left at all

At least I still have one good hand

So I can typ.....................

Billy Kelly

Billy Kelly`s belly
Troubled him a lot
For just above his navel
Was a massive yellow spot

When sunbathing or swimming
He suffered vile abuse
Of course he saw the Doctor
But it wasn`t any use

Then one day his head turned red
His legs and feet turned green
He hung around street corners
Determined to be seen

Perhaps by now you`ve guessed the cause
Of symptoms such as these
Poor Billy is a victim of......................

Traffic Light Disease!