Post Haste

Our Pedigree Pooch
Is partial to Postman`s pants
Behind the coal bunker, he hides
Awaiting his chance, at the GPO strides

The Postman at the gate
Is quite prepared to wait
Until at last he`s satisfied
The dog is safely locked inside

On tip toe to the door
Only to find
The crafty canine
Has circled behind
And blocks his only exit.
(Postie screams and legs it!)

He completely clears our five bar gate
As the dog barks " See you tomorrow mate!".

My Shirts

My shirts all hang on the back of the door
Though I`m sure thats not what the door is for

Five are for working
Two kept for best

Seven on hangers

Oh no!

I`m undressed!

DLORAH

Harold was born back to front
And so, it was not clear
If he was on his way somewhere
Or en route back to here.

Was he getting off the bus?
Or was he getting on?
Should we say Hello, goodbye,
Or welcome later on?

He`s ever such a happy chap
Who does not seem to mind
Even though he`s front to back
And back to front behind!

English Lesson

Past , Present and Future Tense
All designed for making sense
Of things long passed
Or what will be
And only intermittently
Referring to the Here and Now

Which did not last long anyhow!


copyright Ian Cramer 2006

Going to Pieces

Left hand fell off this morning

Followed by one ear

Its rather disconcerting

I live in constant fear

I went to see the Doctor

He told me not to fuss

Arriving home I realised

My butt`s still on the bus

Left leg in the bathtub

Right leg in the hall

At this rate, by tomorrow

There`ll be nothing left at all

At least I still have one good hand

So I can typ.....................

Billy Kelly

Billy Kelly`s belly
Troubled him a lot
For just above his navel
Was a massive yellow spot

When sunbathing or swimming
He suffered vile abuse
Of course he saw the Doctor
But it wasn`t any use

Then one day his head turned red
His legs and feet turned green
He hung around street corners
Determined to be seen

Perhaps by now you`ve guessed the cause
Of symptoms such as these
Poor Billy is a victim of......................

Traffic Light Disease!

I hate that Cat

The creature I hate the most in life
Is ugly mean vicious and fat
Sly and vindictive
Is nextdoor`s Cat.




From "I hate that Cat" A collection of honest to goodness verse.

Pic by permission of Dave Baldinger

Alfred The Short Sighted Pirate

Alfred the Pirate was addressing his crew
" I know you`re fed up , with nothing to do,
But all that will change, as of today, for
A rich Spanish Galleon is heading our way!

So hoist the Black Flag, and prepare for the fight,
There`ll be dancing, drinking and feasting tonight"

"Excuse me!" whined Jarvis. (One of the crew)
"Do you mind repeating what we`re supposed to do.
Its not that you haven`t made yourself clear,
But that there`s the ocean, the crew`s over here!"

Just at that moment, out of the blue
The lone Spanish Galleon sailed into view
Laden with gold, silk and molasses
And perhaps with luck
A few pairs of glasses......

Rigged for battle, into the fray
With Alfred looking the opposite way
He ran to the foredeck, but in his blind rush
Instead of his cutlass, he snatched up a brush.

Crying " C`mon me hearties, rally to me!"
He leapt from the rigging, straight into the sea.

Of course he could swim, and the crew would soon spot him
Just yards from the ship, when a passing shark got him!

The shock and the trauma of Alfred`s demise
Was a direct result of neglected eyes.
So if you`re short - sighted, to any degree
PLEASE!
See your Optician
Before going

to Sea!

copyright Ian Cramer 2006